The World I knew Is Broken
by LikeeaSkyscraper
Summary: Things change so quickly, you never know whats going to happen, who you are able to trust. Does anybody ever really care? There was one person.Yes, Rachel Mason was just about the only person in Lindsay's life that she trusted now, who she felt safe around. There was only one place she would be able to find her and that was possibly one of the places she never wanted to go back to.
1. Chapter 1

It was unexpected that she would get released so soon. The decision had confused her more than it had shocked her when she found out, it was just enough to bring her out of the numb shell she had been living in for the past few months. It didn't stay that way for long, she had retreated instantly hiding herself away from everyone until she was actually taken to be let out of his hell hole. Four months, 16 days and 11 hours. She didn't count the minutes, she wasn't sure why she even counted the time in the first place, it brought no comfort to her knowing how long she had been trapped here, left with the other inmates who weren't exactly friendly and in turn, left with her own inner demons.

She was an easy target, weak. Most of them heard her the nights where she would wake up screaming for someone to help her, to take him away. But reality sunk in fast, she had killed him. She had finally snapped and stabbed him, not being able to take it anymore. She deserved to be here, that's what most people thought but years of physical and mental abuse would be enough to drive anyone crazy.

''Lindsay James'' A deep male voice sounded.

She barely reacted to her own name anymore, she didn't react when she had to be practically dragged out the room until she realised what was happening. She was getting out, her lawyers had gone down the most obvious route to get her out, the life long abuse she had endured causing for her to act out in 'self defense' She wasn't actually 100% how that worked and why she was getting out but she didn't care anymore.

''You're free to go'' The same voice sounded as she was numbly walked out the front gates, left standing on the sidewalk unsure of where to go from here.

_Home._ Was her first thought, but then what really was home now? Her mum and sisters visits over the period of time she was inside had decreased fast until they eventually stopped coming and when they tried, she had refused to see them. They didn't know what it was like being all alone, that's all she had ever felt growing up she thought she would of been used to it by now. She missed her sister deeply, it was all to protect her mainly in the end. She couldn't let it happen to her. Emily had been most likely so confused with the situation, her sister going to prison and her mum suddenly coming home. Of course she was young, she wouldn't be able to visit her alone.

But there was one person who did care, who always had. She had came only a few times when possible, it wasn't exactly most normal person for her to be visiting, one of her students. Yes, Rachel Mason was just about the only person in Lindsay's life that she trusted now, who she felt safe around. There was only one place she would be able to find her and that was possibly one of the places she never wanted to go back to.

* * *

She wasn't sure how long she had been waiting, or what the time was. She just stayed sat, hidden behind some trees where no one seemed to look. Then once again she was alone, with herself. She tried to keep her mind blank, not wanting to think back over everything but she had no choice. The tears came quickly after that, she couldn't stop them. It all came in flashes. She had clarified the three different types to herself in a once quickly dismissed idea of trying to bunch parts together. The first being before she had killed him, the flashes of abuse and torture he had put her through. They were often the worst, seeing herself being so helpless. The second was only ever one thing, that morning. The day she had finally snapped, the knife in her hand, his cold motionless body on the floor. She often had more recent flashes too of course, her time in prison. She was an easy target, so there was no hope in her finally being away from the abuse. It just continued.

Lindsay just shook her head quickly trying to brush off the thoughts. She only just noticed how it was starting to rain and the noise surrounding her was only just becoming louder and it wasn't until then that she looked up seeing a rush of students starting to file out the school and its gates. She knew on a normal day it wouldn't be that long until teachers started to depart as well, she could only sit and hope it was one of those days. The rain was getting harder and faster, she was already completely soaked but that didn't matter. She didn't feel anything anymore.

The familiar and unfamiliar faces continued to pass by, completely unaware of her presence hidden away, running to get out of the rain. Both teachers and students had all moved on from the incident which probably seemed so long ago to them but not to her, she could remember it like it was yesterday.

The moment finally came, she would recognise her anywhere as she stepped out of the front doors instantly putting her umbrella up. Any plan she had in her head seemed to disappear as soon as she had stood up to her feet, by the time she had stepped away from her hiding spot into the open she was frozen to the spot. She suddenly started to question herself, was this such a good idea after all? She found herself questioning everything she had been thinking about, all the reasons to come here. She didn't even process it when her feet somehow started to push her forward, one step at a time getting closer until she stopped again suddenly.

Rachel had seen her, getting over the shock herself she changed direction heading over to meet the troubled girl half way until she had suddenly froze on the spot leaving her to finish the distance herself.

''Lindsay?'' Rachel's voice was soft, caring. She had become so close to this girl. Upon getting no response from her she spoke again. ''When did you get out?''

''This morning'' Anyone else would just brush the tone to her voice off as teenage hormones, but Rachel knew better. The emptiness in her voice being not enough to cover up the pain that the girl was feeling.

''Why aren't you at home with your family?''

''They don't know I'm out''

''What?!'' She paused momentarily before carrying on. ''Why not?'' The girl just shrugged and it was then that she finally took a good look at her. Her hair was longer than when she last visited by quite a considerable amount. Her eyes seemed too lifeless, the spark that used to be there gone, lost probably a long time ago. Her eyes then fell onto the dark bruise on the side of her face and the small cut on her chin. As her gaze traveled downwards more she finally took in her clothing and the atmosphere around them, she was completely drenched and shaking.

''Lindsay you're shaking, come here'' She said, the hint of worry obvious in her voice. Just how long had she been waiting in the rain?'

''What?'' It was now her turn to be confused.

''You're soaked, you're shaking from the cold come here''

''Oh'' Was all she got in response.

She held her hand out slowly in front of her watching for any reaction. Lindsay just studied the hand in front of her for a moment before grasping it as Rachel pulled the girl towards her into her chest as she wrapped the free arm that wasn't holding the umbrella around her. She didn't care about getting wet anymore, this hug was so many different things. It was to let her know that she wasn't alone, although it may not seem like it that she was here still, she cared just as much as she did before. It was to try and comfort her, for everything that had happened in her life. It was warmth, the rain was soaking both of their clothes but it didn't matter. She had been alone for far too long.

''Come on, let's go''

''Where?'' The vulnerability in Lindsay's voice finally broke through, as if everything had suddenly came crashing down around her once again. ''I don't want to go home'' She added as a whisper, hoping to herself that she wouldn't be forced to go back there. Not yet anyway.

''My home'' Rachel said sighing, she knew this was way past the boundaries she should have set with anyone but the tone to Lindsay's voice just made her heart feel like it was breaking in two. She couldn't send the poor girl back there not yet.

So for now, she just led her over to her car. Grabbing a blanket which she had kept in the trunk and wrapping it around the shaking Lindsay as she climbed into the passenger seat of her car. She shut the door softly not wanting to scare her and just stopped for a moment, looking around at the empty car park thinking back to the time where she had first met her. She was going to do her best from now on to keep her safe. That was the promise she made to herself as she slid into the drivers seat taking one last look at her. She was going to keep it.

* * *

**So I've been wanting to write a Waterloo Road Lindsay / Rachel fic for a while now and thought ugh hell why not just do it. Let me know if you want me to continue this or if it's just yeah. **


	2. Chapter 2

The ride back to Rachel Mason's house was spent in silence. She had tried to get Lindsay to talk about anything but she just remained quiet, staring out the window into the rain like a scene from a movie. That was one of the first changes she noticed in the girl. Before although often quiet, she wasn't one to refrain from talking to people now though... she could barely get two words out of the girl. It made her feel uneasy not knowing what was going through the girls head. She was still so young, no one her age should have to go through what she had.

''Lindsay, we're here'' Rachel turned in her seat to look at her. She only looked up briefly at the house they had pulled up to before she opened the door slowly waiting for Miss Mason to do the same as she lead her up the steps through the front door. ''You need to get out of those wet clothes, you can have a shower''

Knowing she wasn't going to get a response Rachel took her hand leading her up the stairs and into the bathroom, disappearing only momentarily before reemerging with some towels and clean clothes.

''They might be a bit big...'' Lindsay just nodded. ''I'll leave you to it then...''

She didn't really wan't to leave her, she was worried. She had been in prison for a few months, why was she out? Why didn't she want to go home? What happened to her face? A list of questions quickly formed in her head as she headed into her bedroom not bothering to shower, just changing into some dryer clothes and then she waited. That's all she could do for now.

Lindsay wasn't sure what to think of everything. She hadn't expected to be brought here, she'd expected Miss Mason to force her to go home, telling her it was best for her. She was that kind of teacher, always looking after students. Caring for them more than she sometimes did about her own life, it made her smile slightly to herself thinking about it. She was left alone again in the bathroom, she knew Miss Mason was waiting for her to come out, it was that look she gave her before she left. The one filled with worry and concern yet so many questions and confusion at the same time. She needed answers but Lindsay wasn't sure if she was ready to give them to her.

She sighed turning the shower on allowing the water to start to warm up, she hadn't had a proper shower in a long time. One where she wasn't afraid of something was going to happen, like her dad would sneak into the bathroom or one of her inmates would come in. She stood in front of the full length mirror staring at her reflection. She looked terrible but then, she felt terrible so it really made no difference. She hadn't looked at herself properly in a long time and she didn't know why she felt like it was suddenly necessary to take everything in, to over analyze herself.

She started by peeling off her shirt slowly before tossing it to the floor. Her eyes lowered as she took in her own state. The slightly ragged scar going down her right side. She traced over it for a moment remembering how she had got it, her dad had dragged her into the garage shoving her into the wall, not noticing the nail which was sticking out she had tried to struggle to get free only having it rammed into the side of her. She could hear his laughter in his head when he realised what had happened. His sicking smile as he just continued not caring about the pain she was in. Then there was the much smoother small scar just above her hip, this one came from inside. It was amazing the types of weapons people were able to make from sharping things such as their toothbrushes. She had tried to keep her head down, stay out of trouble but it didn't work. She couldn't help but retaliate, in hope of defending herself. It just made things worse.

The final scar was faded compared to the others, it was also currently being hidden by a bruise lining her stomach. She remembered the story behind that one more clearly than others. It came from him again, one time when she had threatened to tell someone about what he was going to do, he had grabbed the knife from the kitchen lifting her shirt up, reminding her who was in charge and how it was going to stay that way. He had dragged it across her skin slowly, letting the pain sink in. Trying to draw it out, make it last longer. To torture her. That wasn't all of them though, no. The scars lining her wrist. She could remember the reasoning behind most of them. She had first done this to herself when he started on her, she wasn't sure how to react and remembered finding the blade in the shower. It didn't take her long before she had dragged it across her own skin trying to ease the pain. That had became her way of coping for many years until it became harder and harder to hide so she had changed to a place more hidden...

''So stupid'' She mumbled to herself thinking back about how obvious she had made everything.

The inside of her thighs was where she had turned to after having her secret nearly found out. It was then that Lindsay shrugged out of her trousers leaving her only in her underwear. She didn't even bother to think about the marks now, tracing over them lightly with the tips of her fingers before jumping down to her bruised knees. She sighed to herself finally stripping the final layer of clothing and stepping into the shower.

She didn't know what to do with herself so she just stood there, letting the water run over her body. She was more scared than she had ever been, she had been through hell and back and now she had no idea where her life was going to take her. She didn't know who she was, where she was going or what to do. She couldn't help the tears that started to fall from her eyes as she drowned in her own thoughts. This was her life, her messed up life and she would have to live with it forever. Each touch, each hit still lingering on her. She could still feel him on her. The feeling wouldn't go away. Why wouldn't it stop? She soon felt her whole body start to shake with her sobs, trying to muffle the sound with her hand she just leaned back against the shower wall.

''Lindsay?'' She faintly heard a knock on the bathroom door. ''Are you okay in there?'' She tried not to laugh to herself at that, if she could hear her from in the shower than she could obviously of have heard her crying easily too.

''F-fine'' She wanted to slap herself at how vulnerable her voice sounded just then. Deciding she had spent more than enough time just standing under the water and it wasn't exactly relaxing she shut the water off. Stepping out into the cool air before quickly wrapping the towel around herself. ''I'll be out in a second'' She called through the door.

* * *

Rachel stood patiently outside the door. She wasn't going to pry, she was planning on waiting in her bedroom or downstairs but when she had briefly passed the bathroom door and heard Lindsay crying she couldn't walk off and pretend like she didn't hear anything. So she did probably the most stupid thing and asked if she was okay, obviously she wasn't but the response she got wasn't a shock. No one really ever admitted when they weren't okay.

But when Lindsay finally emerged from the bathroom, hair still wet but in clean clothes she didn't say a word. The tear stains were still evident on her cheeks but she knew better then to say anything right now. Instead she just smiled sadly and pulled the young girl into her arms. It was surprising how small she was for her age, she was quite a bit shorter than Rachel, her head resting against her chest whilst she just rested her chin on top of her head.

''I'm not going to force you to talk'' Rachel spoke whilst Lindsay seemed somewhat relaxed. ''But I'm here when you're ready'' She wasn't exactly sure what else she was meant to say at this point in time. Lindsay would talk in her own time, she always did. She just hoped it was sooner rather then later, before she could bring herself down into her shell even more than she already was.

''Thank you'' Lindsay just said simply. She wasn't sure what else to say, she wasn't ready yet. She wasn't ready to spill her guts out to everyone. Even the person who she trusted most at the time, she had so many feelings and thought stored up in her head she could literally explode and pour it all out at once but she needed time to think, as much as she hated it she in fact, needed to be alone. To shift through everything in her head, the events in the last few months. What she was able to tell, what she felt safe telling her and things which she would most likely keep hidden as secrets for a long time in the foreseeable future.

''Anytime'' Rachel smiled stepping away not wanting to freak her out or to hold on just slightly too long. She wasn't sure what she exactly was to her at the moment, a teacher? a friend? Nothing was really clear or not, she doubted Lindsay would return to school anytime soon or if she even would at all. She had nearly two years left still but that didn't mean anything. It was up to her, when she was ready to go back if she did.

One day at a time, Lindsay thought to herself. If she could just survive the night she would be okay, that's what she kept telling herself anyway. That's often how she thought in prison, only a few more hours. In the hope of by seeing the time period shorter than it actually was then it would go quicker. It never actually worked of course but there was still that hope it would sometime. For now she just felt safe, not happy but still. When had she actually ever been happy?

* * *

**Yay, thank you for the reviews on the first chapter. There's not much dialogue in this chapter but I wanted to show more of the like details kinda. Anyway let me know what you think (:**

**- Btw am I the only one that does that? I got the time thing from something I do in school, if I have like 10 minutes left in a lesson I will say to myself that there's only 5 minutes left so it might seem like it's going faster. It worked like once or twice maybe. I can't actually remember to be honest.**


	3. Chapter 3

_**(Italics are flashbacks / Dreams)**_

''Lindsay are you hungry?'' Rachel called from the kitchen. After they had broken apart earlier they came downstairs, Lindsay sitting on the sofa as she stared blankly ahead, losing herself in her own mind. Rachel wasn't sure what she was meant to do, she couldn't force her to tell her anything. Lindsay was hungry but she didn't want to eat. She felt like she didn't have the energy to do anything.

''No.'' Her voice was empty, cold. All she could do was bring her knees up to her chest as she stayed sat in her position. She was just getting stuck in her own world, thinking back to the first time. She knew she shouldn't let this happen but she couldn't do anything else but think about it.

_''I have a game to play Lindsay'' Her fathers voice rang through her ears. ''It's just for us though, you can't tell mum, she'll hate you otherwise'' The venom in his words going unnoticed by his 11 year old daughter. ''She'll be jealous that I love you more than her'' With each word her father took another menacing step towards her. _

_''Why? Mum loves me, she won't hate me'' The confused 11 year old girl questioned as he dad pinned her against the wall._

''Lindsay?'' Rachel's voice was quick to break her from her thoughts as she sat down beside her on the sofa. ''Why don't you want to go home?'' There was a fifty fifty chance that she would get no response, that Lindsay would just shut down even more than she already was. But there was also an chance that she would open up, give her an insight of what was going through her head.

''I can't go back there'' She whispered not looking away from ahead of her. ''Mum and Emily, they don't need me. I made everything worse.''

''That's not true-'' Rachel went to cut the young girl off.

''It is, I left Emily without a mum. I left mum in prison suffering for me. Home reminds me of him.''

''You also let yourself suffer in prison, Lindsay.'' Rachel watched closely for any reaction. ''It must of been hard on you, I can tell it didn't always go well, the bruise? someone inside did that?'' Lindsay just nodded not finding any need for words. Anything she would say would just get shot down, Miss Mason would tell her she's wrong and that it wasn't all down to her. No matter how many times she might tell her that it would never sink in. ''How many times did someone get to you inside?'' Rachel questioned softly, she knew at any moment Lindsay would close up again. She was treading shallow water right now.

''It doesn't matter.'' The bluntness to her words wasn't something that either of them were used to. ''I was a easy target. That's all there is to it.''

Rachel just watched as Lindsay shifted uncomfortably. She would put her feet back down to the floor before bringing them back up and her knees to her chest once again. Her hands were shaking nervously as she tried to hide them from her sight. Her face was being masked by her hair but she was still facing away from her, hiding herself away. Her breathing was starting to become faster and heavier and that was when Rachel finally got up, walking around in front of the girl crouching slightly so she was at her eye level.

''Lindsay?'' She rested her hand softly on top of hers, trying to stop the shaking. ''Lindsay look at me'' She shook her head. ''Lindsay'' She repeated.

Out of nowhere Lindsay shot up, half jumping over Rachel as she made a b-line for the stairs heading up them. Rachel was up within a second following her only to hear the bathroom door slam when she was halfway up the stairs. She carried on nevertheless pressing her ear to the door to hear Lindsay violently throwing up. Lindsay sat slumped over the toilet seat emptying the little contents of her stomach. The sudden wave of nausea had hit her fast which left her where she currently was. She was gripping the edge of the seat so tightly, her knuckles starting to turn white from the increased pressure until she suddenly let go, feeling her body go limp as she was trying to brush the own hair from her face as she leaned back against the wall. Tears falling out of frustration at herself.

''Lindsay!?'' There was a slight hint of panic in her words as she spoke now. ''Are you okay? Let me in, please. I only want to help'' Lindsay just laughed back in response. Her mind was gone now, this wasn't Lindsay anymore. Not the real Lindsay, this was the one which had slowly replaced her. This was the inner demons inside her head, the ones that constantly taunted her, taking her back to that dark place. Not the vulnerable Lindsay, the real Lindsay who cared about herself, about her family. The one who was crying out for help, her silent pleas being what kept her drawn to reality. No this was different.

''No you don't'' Her voice was bitter, surprising herself and Miss Mason once again as she spoke. ''No one does. I'm a murderer. I should be dead just like my father, everyone would be better off that way'' She just laughed to herself slightly again only for it to turn into a loud pained sob.

It took the words longer to process in Rachel's head than they should have. Was that a death threat? Was she going to try something? She wasn't about to let her do something to herself, she had been through so much, she had come so far. She was strong, she could pull through this. She started to shake the doorknob frantically.

''Lindsay!'' She shouted through the thick wood. ''Let me in Lindsay!'' The panic only continued to rise as the silence continued. She looked down at the lock, thank god for old fashioned bathrooms. She just needed something to use to twist it. Running briefly into her bedroom she pulled her purse from her handbag emptying the contents onto her bed searching for something that would fit into the small slit before she ran back out onto the landing. ''Lindsay open the door or I'm coming in!'' She tried once more not really wanting to have to break into her own bathroom no matter what the circumstances were.

Not waiting any longer she used the penny in her hand to twist the lock, opening the door from the outside. She pushed it open slowly in case she was sat anywhere near the door or behind it. She stepped into the room, her heart dropping at the sight of Lindsay laid curled into a ball on the floor, rocking back and forth crying. She was so fragile, one word or touch could break her.

''Oh Lindsay...'' She said quietly to herself before stepping over her sitting down behind her so that she was able to pull the girl into her lap letting her bury her face into her shoulder and cry. ''Shh, it's okay'' Her voice was barely above a whisper, afraid any loud noise would suddenly shatter the already broken girl. She paused for a moment, she was meant to be professional but then she realised she technically wasn't her student at the moment and quickly gave in.

Rubbing her back trying to comfort her Rachel looked at the wall thinking back over everything. Lindsay's first day at the school. She was a social time bomb, easily being set off. She never seemed to be slipping in class, she was fine most of the time. But it all made sense now. The way she was acting, slowly cracking under the pressure, the guilt. The memory of what she had done sitting freshly on her shoulders bringing her down. It was slow but painful and no one even noticed.

''Make it stop. Please make it stop'' Lindsay sobbed between sharp intakes of breaths only causing her teachers arms to tighten around her in response, not knowing what else to do as the pair just sat there on the cold bathroom floor.

She was so lost in the moment, she forgot about every other thing in her head at that very moment and focused on the girl in her arms. She would say this was part of the reason she became a teacher, she wanted to help people with their lives. To give them a head start in life whilst helping them through any problems they may have.

* * *

Lindsay had calmed down eventually. She cursed herself for breaking down like that over nothing but she couldn't take it back now. It had already happened. She was curled up under the covers of the bed in Miss Mason's spare room. She had gone straight to bed after what had happened and so had Rachel. The exhaustion having caught up on both of them after the events of today and the last few weeks. School had been havoc lately, Rachel was slowly but surely getting everything back under control with the help of the staff and well Lindsay, she had every right to be tired.

Being tired didn't always mean you could sleep though. Lindsay stayed there for most of the night just, curled up tightly her arms wrapping around herself. Afraid if she let herself go that she would quickly fall apart again. She didn't know what she was meant to do now. She was out... her life was free again so why did she feel so trapped? It wasn't meant to be that way round was it? She had only one person, Miss Mason. She couldn't burden her with her in her house forever. She had to move on or go home. The trouble was she didn't want to do either. She just wished she was a kid again, before she turned 11 when life seemed so simple. She had always wanted to be older when she was a child, every kid does. They want to grow up and experience the world for themselves but then they get there... The disappointment finally sinks in. Being older sucks, growing up sucks.

You were always under pressure in school once you reached a certain age. It only increased with more time and soon you find yourself on a downwards spiral. What are you meant to do when you have already hit the bottom? Lindsay had been there for a long time now, nothing was looking up. She was on the verge of giving up if she hadn't already. The only person who was pulling her through, keeping her on the edge from falling was Miss Mason. It wasn't herself no, she would have given up along time otherwise. Before she had even started on the first day at Waterloo Road, she had been there from the very start. Things would start to get better soon right? She wondered if it ever would whilst she laid there wide awake, waiting for sleep to consume her. Her eyelids starting to feel heavy eventually as she slipped into slumber.

* * *

**I was generally going to have a longer flashback in this chapter but then I decided I would rather have it as a dream but then I ended up writing it like this so I decided to leave it for the next chapter. Let me know what you think?**


	4. Chapter 4

_**(Italics are flashbacks / Dreams)**_

Rachel hadn't fallen asleep yet, her mind didn't allow her to although her eyelids were getting heavier with each waking moment. She decided to check on Lindsay, the young girl had looked so exhausted earlier. It was the maternal instincts that kicked in which caused her to slip quietly out of her own bed and across the hall. She had made sure Lindsay didn't lock the door after what had happened in the bathroom earlier. She wasn't sure if Lindsay even realised what she had said or if she was serious or not. She wasn't going to take any risks and wait to find out.

She pushed the door open slightly leaving enough room for her to just look in briefly, poking her head around to see Lindsay fast asleep. She smiled briefly, glad that the girl was finally able to relax even if it was whilst she wasn't conscious. She stepped back slightly the floorboard creaked making her pause as Lindsay groaned slightly in her sleep before falling back into silence. Creeping back into her own room Rachel slid back into bed quickly falling into a deep sleep as her tiredness caught up with her suddenly. Both were sleeping peacefully, but of course it wasn't easy to keep the nightmares away, especially for Lindsay.

_''I have a game to play Lindsay'' Her fathers voice rang through her ears. ''It's just for us though, you can't tell mum, she'll hate you otherwise'' The venom in his words going unnoticed by his 11 year old daughter. ''She'll be jealous that I love you more than her'' With each word her father took another menacing step towards her._

_''Why? Mum loves me, she won't hate me'' The confused 11 year old girl questioned as he dad pinned her against the wall. ''Dad? what are you doing?'' She cried out as he pushed his body forward into her as she squirmed tying to get free. She didn't like this game at all. _

_''Now now Lindsay, you're not going to ruin the game are you?'' He asked smirking grabbing her arm roughly as his grip instantly tightened around her bare skin. _

_''You're hurting me daddy! Let go'' Lindsay whimpered. _

_''Shut up'' He growled stepping back suddenly before slinging his daughter over his shoulder and heading towards the stairs and into his room. ''Now you can't tell mum okay? She will be upset that I brought you in here. Do you understand Lindsay?'' He asked once again grabbing her arm twisting it behind her slightly as she cried out. ''Do you understand?'' _

_''Yes dad'' She whispered trying to stop the tears that were filling her own eyes as he shoved her down onto her parents bed._

_''Good girl'' He whispered as he slowly leaned down and caressed her cheek. _

_''What-'' Lindsay started only to get cut off._

_''Shut up'' He growled his attitude changing fast as he looked down at her laying there. _

Lindsay shot up breathing heavily, a scream caught in the back of her throat. She quickly took in her surroundings realizing it was only a dream... of her past. Tears quickly started to fall down her face as she brought her knees up to her chest rocking herself back and forth as she cried. There was no way she was going to back to sleep after that so she just stayed there. It was only 2am, it was going to be a long night. She needed something to do, something to occupy herself with so that she wouldn't let her mind wander. She desperately tried to think of something else whenever her mind started going back to that place.

Looking around the room she couldn't really make much out. She was able to see the faint outline of the wardrobe in the corner and the desk on the opposite side of the room but there was nothing that would be of use right now, nothing that would distract her. She just sighed, rubbing at her eyes wiping the tears away harshly. Why was she crying, it was all over now. Everything was. Sighing again she got up throwing the covers off herself as she slowly crept towards the doors opening it slowly. The house was dark but she was able to faintly make out the surroundings as she tip-toed down the hallway and down the stairs slowly. Walking into the living room she fumbled around for the light switch. She found it eventually as the room was slowly illuminated by the glowing light hanging from the ceiling.

She wouldn't mind if Lindsay sat down here and watched TV right? She wasn't sure of anything anymore, it's like she had forgotten how to live whilst being inside. She wasn't sure of what she was allowed to do and what she wasn't. She wanted to just sit and distract herself watching something of a different reality but now she wasn't so fond of the idea. She carried on walking through the kitchen and into the utility where the backdoor was. As soon as the garden came into sight she just wanted to be outside in the cold nights air, hoping it would give her some sort of pull to what was real.

Reaching for the key which she had seen Miss Mason hide on top of the shelf earlier she unlocked the door stepping out into the cool air, the cold slabs beneath her bare feet sending a shiver through her body. Wrapping her arms around herself instantly she stepped out further until she stumbled into something. Looking to her side there were two deck like chairs on the patio, both with cushions on them. She smiled slightly to herself at how her own mum would always make sure to bring them inside in case it rained which was quite a lot of the time.

Her smile quickly dropped as she remembered the time her dad was shouting at her for borrowing one of the pillows to sit on the grass. He had walked outside a few minutes after her mum had taken Emily out, storming right up to her waving his arms around out of frustration.

_''LINDSAY WHAT ARE YOU DOING!'' He shouted not caring if the whole street heard as he continued walking towards her. ''GET UP NOW'' He growled yanking her up roughly by her arm. ''What are you doing with that?'' His voice lowered to barely above a whisper but the venom in his voice was still there._

_''I was j-just sitting on the grass'' She stuttered in response under her fathers fierce gaze. _

_''Well don't!'' He snapped. ''You aren't allowed to use those pillows okay!?'' In fear Lindsay just nodded quickly before he looked around, releasing his grip on her shoving her down to the ground. He had kicked her once in the side before grabbing the cushion and walking off into the house._

That was the thing you see, he got angry over the smallest things. It completely terrified Lindsay, she knew it was wrong. It didn't feel right but she didn't know what to do in fear he would hurt her even more, that her mum would hate her for it like he had said. The threat he made so long ago still ringing in her ears. Shaking the thought from her head she hesitantly sat down on the chair, curling up into her usual ball as she stared up at the few visible stars in silence.

* * *

Rachel woke up to the loud blaring alarm of her clock at 5:30am. Groaning slightly she rolled over hitting the button as she stared at the wall before remembering about Lindsay. She all but practically jumped out of bed quickly pulling over her dressing gown as she crossed the hall, the door was wide open. No Lindsay. Panic set in, no. She was fine, she was right there a few hours ago. After checking the bathroom she headed down the stairs being careful not to trip over her own feet, the living room light was on? She had turned it off last night hadn't she? She thought to herself before she walked through into the kitchen which was abnormally cold. The heating should be on? It was then that she noticed the backdoor wide open.

''Lindsay?'' She called cautiously stepping outside until her eyes landed on the girl curled up in the chair... asleep? How long had she been out here. ''Lindsay?'' She repeated walking over, crouching down next to the chair shaking her shoulder lightly. ''Lindsay, wake up'' She sat up suddenly unexpected, her eyes snapping open whilst taking a sharp intake of breath. ''Hey it's okay'' She said softly.

''Miss Mason..?''

''Yeah.'' She smiled softly. ''How long have you been out here Lindsay?''

''I d-don't know. I couldn't sleep so I came down here''

''And fell asleep outside?'' She finished for her trying to hold back a laugh. ''You were asleep when I checked on you, what happened?'' Rachel walked around sitting down on the edge of the chair next to her as she waited for a response.

''I just couldn't sleep'' She shrugged not wanting to go into anymore detail and Rachel got the hint. She couldn't force her into say anything. ''What time is it?'' Lindsay stretched quickly, the outdoors suddenly seeming a lot colder than it had before.

''About six'' Rachel paused for a moment before speaking. ''Lindsay last night, in the bathroom you said something...'' Her sentence trailed off for a moment before she continued. ''You aren't going to try anything are you? You can get through this okay?''

''What do you mean am I going to try something?''

''You know what I'm asking Lindsay'' Rachel's voice was stern now as Lindsay just looked down.

''No'' Her voice was suddenly blunt again, her expression falling as her mask quickly came back up. The mask she had used so well before anyone knew anything about her. She took one look at Rachel's worried etched face before repeating herself. ''No. I won't'' The only response she got was a sigh.

''Lindsay...''

''I won't'' She snapped quickly watching Miss Mason recoil slightly at the sudden change in tone. ''S-sorry. I didn't-''

''It's fine Lindsay'' Reaching forward she took the girls hand in her own squeezing it lightly reassuringly. She could see the questioning behind her eyes.

The instant she had snapped her eyes had filled with regret, pain. There was something much deeper going on inside her head then she could ever start to imagine. Every little thing seemed to trigger a different emotion. It was hard to count, in the space of the short conversation they had seen already she had gotten several things off of Lindsay. She was tired, oh so tired. The dark bags under her eyes were enough to tell her that but there was more too it, the way she looked, her eyes seemed so old. The bright spark had faded, she looked so... empty. Her eyes were filled with so much more... pain, hurt, anger, guilt. The list could go on forever if she really looked.

Lindsay wasn't oblivious though, she noticed how Miss Mason was watching her all the time. Analyzing her every move, look, breath. She wasn't going to be let out of her sight anytime soon judging by things. After last night she wasn't surprised, she was actually surprised that she hadn't done anything more extreme yet. It was better that way... right?

* * *

**I'm aiming to update this like every other day but sometimes it may be a bit late. I also go back to school on Thursday so if updates start to become less regular I'm sorry. - Please let me know what you think of this story? Idn**


	5. Chapter 5

It wasn't until about an hour later when Rachel finally knew she had to make some sort of decision of what she was about to do today and with Lindsay. She didn't feel comfortable leaving her alone, she knew Lindsay had said she wouldn't try anything but that look she had... all the pain and hurt built up she didn't want to give her the chance to change her mind. She couldn't exactly take a day off work, not with what had been going on lately. Unless she was practically dying they would expect her to be there to take charge, be in control. That only really left one option which she was pretty sure wasn't going to go down very well with Lindsay.

She stood in the kitchen looking at Lindsay intently who was sat on the sofa in the living room watching the TV. She wasn't really paying attention to what she was watching, that didn't matter right now. She needed to find some sort of compromise, or a way to talk to Lindsay about the only other option without upsetting her more than she already was. That was the problem you see, she was scared to say anything, unsure of how Lindsay would react.

''You could take a picture you know, it might last longer'' Lindsay's sarcastic tone was quick to bring her out of her head to see the girl now stood up heading towards the kitchen. ''Miss?'' She asked again more cautiously when her teacher didn't respond. ''What is it?'' Lindsay quickly froze to the spot, anything could happen right now. She hated not knowing what was going to happen next.

''Nothing, nothing'' She said twice noticing the panic that was arising in the girl before her. ''Just thinking over something.''

''Like what?'' Miss Mason just looked at her for a moment with a soft expression before she decided to actually speak up.

''About what you are going to do today, I can't leave you here-''

''You don't trust me?'' The hurt reappearing in her voice as Lindsay took a step backwards.

''No that's not it at all. Listen, I just can't risk you doing something. I'm worried about you Lindsay, there's something more going on inside that head of yours but you won't tell me anything. I just wan't to help.'' For a moment it looked like Lindsay was about to spill, tell her everything. She had that look on her face but it quickly got washed away by her mask.

''So what do you suggest I do then? Go home?'' Her voice faltered on her last word.

''No, not at all Lindsay. I know you aren't ready for that but I'm not sure my idea is much better''

''W-what is your idea?'' Lindsay asked instinctively reaching out to the side of the counter they were stood by, steadying herself slightly as she waited.

''Come to school with me'' She paused not wanting to rush and panic her. ''You can sit in my office with me- I'll be there most of the day.'' The colour was starting to drain from Lindsay's face as she carried on speaking. ''I can find something for you to do- my laptop, read a book anything. I just think it would be better if I could keep an eye on you.'' She took a step forward with this placing her hand over Lindsay's which was still gripping the side of the counter tightly.

''Tell me what you're thinking Lindsay'' She pleaded with the girl needing some sort of response.

''Y-you want me to go back t-there?'' Her voice was a barely audible whisper when she spoke. ''I don't think I can M-miss''

''What's scaring you so much Lindsay?'' Rachel questioned slowly trying to come up with a list of reasons in her own head. ''They wont see you, they wont bother you at all. They wont even know you're there. Michaela, everyone. They tried to get you out you know?''

''I d-don't know'' She stuttered looking up finally to meet Miss Mason's eyes.

In reality she was telling the truth, she wasn't sure what scared her more. The students and staff or just the school in general. She didn't want everyone knowing about her being back, their eyes glaring into the back of her head every time they caught sight of her, judging her. They all knew her story, but they didn't know who she was. None of them did, they didn't know what it was like for her living with her father. They didn't know how much it had all built up until she finally snapped, how she was only doing it to protect her sister. They didn't know how she felt about anything, how it was like in prison left with only yourself. She had plenty of time to go through things in her head, think about the people she had left behind until her own mind started to form a twisted reality, twisting every good thing and somehow linking it to him, they didn't really care about anything. Your mind was a dangerous thing.

The school brought back different feeling for Lindsay, different emotions. All she could remember from being there was the pressure, the guilt, the pain. She was carrying the weight of her secret around on her shoulders for far too long, everything that ever seemed to matter happened there. She learned to trust, some people did actually care but then there were the others... all the gang fights. All those times she was taken to the cooler, Miss Mason's office or into other rooms. It was a mixed feeling which just left her standing there even more confused and vulnerable than she was before.

Then of course there was the chance... Miss Mason said she could stay in her office all day but there was still the chance. What if someone saw her? If the word got out... her sister. Emily, she was there. Lindsay wasn't ready to see her yet, she wasn't going to be able to explain to her why she didn't want to come home without hurting that. That was the one thing she never wanted to do, hurt her sister. She would to anything to prevent that from happening even kill someone... which she had already done.

''You'll be fine with me Lindsay, I promise'' Rachel cut in squeezing her hand lightly to try and reassure the girl who was obviously lost in her thoughts trying to process the idea, weigh up the situation.

''Will I?'' She said, it was meant to be a question in her head, she hadn't mean to say it out loud. She backtracked quickly trying to say something else, her mouth opening and closing like a goldfish before Rachel just smiled not seeming to have taken any offence or had a negative reaction to her question.

''You will.'' Her smile stayed strong, not faltering as she looked down at Lindsay. ''We can go in slightly later, avoid the rush okay?'' Lindsay just nodded trying to return a weak smile.

* * *

In the end Rachel had managed to find some of her old clothes that fit Lindsay slightly better, it wasn't great but it would have to do until she either went home to get some clothes or until they were able to go out and get some more. She had convinced her that it would be okay today but the nagging feeling in Lindsay's stomach was there, telling her this wasn't going to go well. She tried her best to ignore it as she headed down the stairs for the final time that morning seeing Miss Mason stood by the front door waiting for her. They walked to the car in silence, it wasn't uncomfortable like before. There was a mutual understanding from both that it was best to just let each other sit and think for a while. So that just left the car radio as they started the drive towards the school.

_I gotta tell you how it feels now, _

_You're my air, when I can't breathe_

_Catching me when I'm tripping over my feet. _

_We'll get through this together._

Lindsay continued staring out the window, she knew the area they were in at the moment and it wouldn't be long till they arrived at the school. The panic was starting to arise again as she tried to calm herself, she was just there yesterday remember. She told herself, she had been there just over 24 hours ago, it wouldn't be that different. She would be inside this time... people would know she was there. _Stop It_. She screamed at herself in her mind, she was just winding herself up even more.

_It's hard to find the words,_

_The courage is somewhere inside,_

_Deep inside, deep inside. _

_Gotta tell you how it feels now, I'm ready to fall._

It's a strange thing when you are dreading something. Lindsay thought, she just wanted this moment to slow down or stop completely. Of course though, when you desperately want something to go slower it has a habit of speeding up.

The car had soon pulled into the dead car park, most people were inside. Although there was a few students who were wandering into the school grounds late, not bothering to try and be on time to their classes. It was these few people that worried her, all it took was one person to see her and it could be spread around the school in seconds. _'Hey do you remember that girl Lindsay who killed her dad? She's back'_ She could picture it all happening already.

_Oh skip to the ending, who'd like to know, I'd like to know._

_Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?_

''It's okay Lindsay'' Rachel reassured the girl once more before stepping out of the car standing there waiting for her to do the same but allowing her to take her time.

_We all have a story, to tell._

_Whether we whisper or yell,_

_We all have a story, of adolescence and all it's glory_

_We all have a story to tell._

She didn't get out of the car just yet, she sat on the passenger seat bringing her knees up to her chest once again. She mentally scolded herself for how stupid she was being, she shouldn't be so scared over this. She was just over reacting as usual. Silly little Lindsay. Always so scared. Shaking her head she reached for the car door deciding she was just being pathetic, ignoring the part in her head that actually held any reason. She walked around the side of the car as Rachel put her arm around Lindsay's shoulder almost comfortingly, leading her towards the school doors.

Walking along the school corridors the only noise that was heard was the sound of their breathing and there footsteps as their shoes connected with the hard floor in a rhythm. The hallways were empty so far, always a good thing. Saves you getting knocked around in the rush of pupils. They thought they were empty anyway.

''Lindsay?'' A small vulnerable voice spoke causing her to freeze in her tracks.

* * *

**Part of a J.K Rowling quote in this chapter. Did anyone notice it? ;3 Anyway new chapter... let me know what you think ?**

**I know who I'm most likely to have the person at the end as but if anyone can suggest someone better then I will change it so let me know. **


	6. Chapter 6

''Lindsay?'' A small vulnerable voice spoke causing her to freeze in her tracks.

This wasn't meant to happen, this was exactly why she didn't want to come here in the first place, she knew this would happen. Someone would find out and she would have heard about it as well but no, this was direct. She couldn't turn around to face her, she knew seeing her face, the questioning in her eyes would only cause her to break even more. She needed to keep herself together. Miss Mason by now had become concerned by the way Lindsay had completely frozen to the spot, her face giving off a look of distress.

''Lindsay'' She said stepping forward and taking the girls shaking hands in her own, glancing cautiously over her shoulder at the girl stood there waiting, silently telling her to give them a moment. ''You can do this'' She whispered, gazing into the young girls eyes.

''I don't think I can Miss'' She said gulping ''She hates me, they all hate me.''

''No they don't Lindsay'' Rachel replied looking over the girls shoulder again. ''She's your sister. She doesn't hate you. Just talk to her okay? I'll be right here'' Lindsay stayed silent for a moment longer before nodding slowly. Miss Mason stepped back slightly waiting to see how they both reacted.

''Hey Em'' Lindsay spoke as she turned around, her voice shaky as she finally met her younger sisters eyes.

''Lindsay?'' She asked taking a step towards her older sister. ''Why didn't you say you were back?''

Lindsay just stared at her sister for a moment, she had changed so much in the months she had been away. It was her fault, she had caused her to grow up, leaving her without a sister and before without a mother. She had completely turned her life upside down within the space of a few weeks and now was left looking at the result of her own mistakes. No. It wasn't a mistake, she was delusional if she thought it was. She would kill him again if she had to, anything to stop him from hurting her or her sister again. It scared her how she thought about things like that, she felt no real guilt over plunging the knife into his gut that morning. He had deserved it, brought it on himself. The sick bastard.

_''Dad she doesn't want to go!'' Lindsay screamed at her father. Today was the day they both started at Waterloo Road, Emily was completely terrified about the whole situation. _

_''Shut it! I don't need you sticking up for her'' _

_''Just calm down Tony please!'' Her mother pleaded._

_''This doesn't concern you, get out!'' He shoved her out the room quickly slamming the door behind her before he turned and__ growled slamming Lindsay into the living room wall roughly. __''You are both going! Then when you come home tonight your mother and you are going to go on a nice little shopping trip'' The smirk tugging at his lips made Lindsay feel sick to her stomach._

_''No! I'm not going'' She said through gritted teeth as he only came closer to her, being inches from her face by now. _

_''You will do as you're told Lindsay'' The venom was dripping from his voice as he gripped her wrist tightly knowing all about what she had done to herself only the night before. She tried to hold back a cry of pain, she wasn't going to be weak. _

_''I'm not going'' She tried to keep the shakiness from her voice, keeping it as firm and strong as possible, he only increased the pressure on her wrist, watching with a smile on his lips as she started to squirm, tears springing to her eyes. ''Let go'' She cried out. _

_''You will go on this shopping trip won't you Lindsay'' He repeated still holding her wrist strongly, not caring that he had re-opened one of the fresh cuts and blood was slowing trickling down her arm. It was times like this she wished she hadn't already destroyed the inside of her legs, forcing her to resort back to her wrists for the relief. _

_''I won't'' She spat in his face resulting in a slap to her face coming from his free arm. ''Bastard'' She growled. _

_''You're pathetic Lindsay, you never were good at this game. Your sister is going to be so much more... fun'' That caused the girl to thrash about wildly in his grip throwing various insults at him only to result in her falling and being pinned on top of the couch, him straddling her mid section as she aimlessly tried to hit him. He smiled at the reaction he got before getting off and walking into the kitchen. _

_Lindsay laid there on the sofa for a moment longer before something just snapped inside of her. She wasn't going to allow this to happen. She followed him into the kitchen quietly, he had his back to her as she spotted the knife on the side of the counter, everything slowly fell into place in her head, her shaking hand reaching out to grab the handle holding it behind her back as her father turned around. _

_''Changed your mind? Or am I going to have to force you to leave me and Emily alone?'' He said unaware of what was about to come. _

_''No'' She said simply, she waited for what she knew was going to come. She waited until he stepped forwards bringing his body closer before she brought the knife round, all she could see was red, her vision clouded by the years of anger, pain, hurt, fear. It all came out at once until his lifeless body laid still on the floor. She stepped back at the sight, sliding down the kitchen wall too stunned to do anything. _

''Lindsay?'' Miss Mason's voice interrupted the flashback, she suddenly came aware of her surroundings again. Why was she on the floor? Looking up Emily was looking at her scared eyes, Miss Mason's only filled with concern and confusion. Lindsay looked down at her hands, they were covered in red, blood. No no no this wasn't right. She violently wiped her hands on her clothes before bringing them up to her face to see them clean. Now her mind was just playing tricks on her. ''Lindsay what's happening?'' Miss Mason had now crouched down in the middle of the school hallway next to her.

Shaking her head she hid behind her hands, not wanting to see the looks on their faces any longer. Deep breathes, she told herself. _''Count to 10, 20 if you need too''_ She remembered her therapist saying to her. She had been assigned to one in prison after waking up screaming nearly ever night, it was getting a bit too much for everyone around her. _''Just breathe, calm yourself down first.'' _Part of her condition about being out was that she visited her regularly, every other week. Sighing as her breathing steadied out she finally spoke up.

''Sorry'' Was the only word that slipped past her lips before a wave of nausea hit her. Looking between their faces she shot to her feet quickly running towards the nearest bathroom. She could hear them chasing after her but she didn't care, she part dove onto the floor in the nearest stall as she threw up into the toilet. A strange sense of déjà vu washed over her as she remembered her first day at Waterloo Road, being sick in the same way. Then she remembered being sick in Miss Mason's bathroom the other night. It wasn't long before she felt someone pulling her hair back away from her face as she remained slumped forward over the seat dry gagging, her stomachs little content already emptied.

''Is she going to be alright Miss?'' She could faintly hear Emily's voice over the ringing in her ears.

''She'll be fine Emily.'' There was something in Miss Mason's voice which she couldn't quite pinpoint. Worry? Fear? Anger? As soon as she had stopped gagging and rested back against the wall Miss Mason let go, standing to face Emily. ''Listen to me Emily, you need to be strong and do something for Lindsay okay?'' The younger girl just nodded furiously. ''You need to go back to your lesson for a while, try to focus on your work. You can't tell anyone Lindsay is here okay?''

''But I want to stay with Lindsay'' She said frowning.

''You can see her later Emily, she just needs some space right now to get herself together okay? It's not easy for her being back here. Do you think you can do that?''

''Yes Miss'' She said after a brief moment of hesitation. Miss Mason just smiled as Emily took a last look at her sister slumped on the floor before turning and heading out of the toilet door slowly.

''Lindsay?'' Miss Mason asked turning her attention back to the troubled girl. ''Come on, lets go to my office before people start changing their lessons''

With that Rachel helped the girl up to her feet, supporting some of her weight and letting the girl lean into her side, tiredly. They walked in silence as they headed down the corridors towards her office. Lindsay just wanted to be left in silence, she suddenly felt exhausted and didn't want to deal with anything. Rachel Mason.. well she just needed to try and figure out what was going on inside Lindsay's head. It was going to be a very long day.

* * *

**I know I said I would update every other day but wow I just. That idea didn't work, sixth form is just blerghhhh. I've not really had time to sit and write so here's a late update.. I don't know when the next one will be so stay with me guys.**


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